Epic fail

I had gotten down to 215... I weighed myself tonigh...221

yeah i've been having food issues again. It's like as long as there are no sweets i am ok, but if there are sweets i will gorge on them. Or once i eat something sweet i can't stop. I've got no willpower at all. And no i haven't been able to afford vitamins yet.

Anyways I WAS really proud of myself for doing 6 laps around the neighborhood tonight. That's twice my normal walk and 2 more laps than i've ever done at once. I think it comes out to 2 1/2 to 3 miles. I need to cast a spell to help me with my willpower and not being lazy.

Being bad

Well not so much bad as sick. I have a major major ear infection in my left ear and an only slightly less painful one in my right ear. So suffice it to say i'm not feeling up to much. Checked my weight out of curiousity and surprise i'm down another 2lbs. Now the infection in my left ear is affecting my jaw which is keeping from over eating so that may be why I lost despite the lack of exercise. I have noticed I've changed though. I'm able to have just 1 candy bar or just 1 glass of soda as a rare treat. It's not a must have anymore. I've seriously cut a ton of sugar out of my life and now the weight is coming off. I still miss icecream though.

Encouragement

So I haven't been posting, because i haven't been eating very well, and haven't really kept up with my walking every day. I was sure I had put back the 3 I lost again. So we went for a walk tonight and Tana asked why I hadn't weighed myself this week. I decided to see how bad the damage was and pulled out the Wii fit. Much to my surprise I LOST another 2 pounds. So that is 5 lbs down in just about 2 weeks. I am so happy for myself and hopefully this motivates me to keep going. Anyways 5 down 90 to go. Seems like so little in the grand scheme of things but it's a start. I just keep picturing myself being able to go to a normal store and try on clothes and have them fit.

Not much to report

Haven't weighed myself today. Yesterday was no change. Today i didn't do as well. Didn't get my walk in. I had a partylite show at my MIL's. DID get in the pool for a half hour or so and played with Kit. Kinda pigged out on some cheese. Only had a little chex mix, and a hot dog. Oh and granola for breakfast. I love granola cereal. For dinner made a chicken breast and buttered noodles. No, no veggies. I know i should have but i hate veggies. Really not feeling well tonight. Had a headache this morning that got continually worse throughout the day until it made my teeth hurt. Got home took a vicodin and went to bed for an hour. Then the dizzy spells started again and the meclizine only helped so so. So that is why I missed my walk.

another lb down

1.1 lbs to be exact. Omg I'm so happy. I know 3 lbs isn't much but so glad to see it coming off, now if i can just keep it up.

Food today: Brunch: Ham and Swiss on wheat Dinner: Tuna Salad and Swiss on wheat Dessert: small dish of mint choc chip ice cream (hey I earned it)

Exercise: 3 Laps around the neighborhood w/ baby in stroller

Success

2 lbs according to Wii Fit I'm down 2 lbs....since 3 days ago. WOOOOOOOOT!!!! I know that is alot for 3 days but I don't feel I'm being unhealthy about it. Today I had some honey wheat pretzles for breakfast, chicken and waffles for lunch and dinner. More pretzels and a small piece of dark chocolate mint fudge for snacks. Oh and I made it 3 laps around the neighborhood!!!! Still gotta measure exactly how far that is.

We're out of money right now. I have just over $100 to feed us for the next 2 weeks so eating healthy (or at all really) will be a challenge. Going to go to the discount grocery and see what i can find there.

Further discouragement

Took another walk today. I know i should only weigh myself once a week but i've been trying so hard I figured I had to have dropped atleast a pound. Well I dropped, but not quite half a pound. Wii fit yelled at me for not meeting my goal. I'm trying to keep my chin up and keep trying here, but if it is THIS hard to lose 1 stinking pound at the very start, how the hell am I ever going to lose 95?

So...animal crackers for breakfast, Tuna salad on homemade bread for lunch, and pb &j for dinner. I estimate i was right at 1200 calories today...the only unknown is the bread at lunch. I'm still hungry dammit. Oh and 30 min walk. I didn't use the rain as an excuse, first break there was i headed out with the stroller. I know walking about a mile in 30 min isn't very fast but i think pushing the stroller should count for something too, and BELIEVE me I am breathing heavy and sweating buckets about halfway through. I think I'm going to keep doing 2 laps this next week and then maybe try to add a 3rd. I WAS doing 4 before i got sick, but now I think i'm doing them at a slightly faster pace since i use the music. I'm just as tired that's for sure. If I didn't have a bike and a bunch of hubby's junk in the living room i'd try and get the wii fit out for a second work out, maybe i'll try to find room to move stuff so i can anyways. first the kitchen needs cleaned.

Oh we looked at bikes today and i picked out a diamondback comfort bike. It's a cross between moutain, road, and cruiser. so hopefully it will be easier to ride. It's $250 so now i just have to save up the cash. Anyone want to have a partylite show?

2nd post today

Just wanted to say I DID get out for a walk this evening, the usual 30 min, twice around the neighborhood. Ate a slice of pizza for dinner when i got home. If i didn't lose weight today it is hopeless.

Pool Time

Went to my MIL's to swim today. I didn't swim swim but i did walk around in the pool alot pulling Kit in her little raft and some of the time i sorta floated on my back and kicked instead of walking. Anyways I think walking around for about 20 minat a time in 4 feet of water should count as exercise for the day :P I'm definitely as tired as if I had worked out. Right now is nap time for me and both girls, whether they like it or not. Maybe if i get some rest this afternoon I'll attempt a walk this evening. Oh french toast stix for bkfast and pizza for lunch. A normal serving though instead of like 3 or 4 slices I had a slice and a half of pizza and only 4 french toast stix instead the normal 8...so maybe not the best food choices but it is what was there and i didnt eat as much. Anyways going to try and get some rest now.

Discouragement

I don't get it. I've been walking the last several days for about 30 min. I've seriously cut down my sugar, I'm not drinking soda, I'm not eating anywhere as much as normal.....can someone please explain to me why I GAINED 3 lbs?

Better

well, i skipped the straterra last night and I didn't feel anywhere near as bad today. still had some dizzy spells but i was functional atleast. ate horribly today but did get out for about 20 mins for a walk. probably would have walked further but Tana was whining about the heat and the sun and her sweating. then she decided to hide behind a tree from me and that was the end of the walk. was going to try and get some time in on the wii fit tonight but am getting tired so maybe just skip that.

I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning

so I haven't felt much like posting lately. Hasn't been anything to post. The dizzy spells have been really bad. I try to get out for a walk each day, but i never manage to get far, and some days i just can't get out at all. At first i took the spells to mean eat something and i did feel better when i ate, but i discovered it's just the action of chewing making me feel better so i'm chewing gum instead. I'm sure i've put those 3 lbs back on but i don't have the heart to weigh myself. I'm waiting to get a call from a specialist that the paperwork is done and set an appt. They think it's something with my inner ear.

Just took

the baby in the stroller and went for a 30 min walk. Feel like I walked about 5lbs off. Not going to go weigh myself though. I took my phone and had some lady gaga playing to try and keep my pace up. It's 3pm so far i had a little cereal for breakfast and some pretzels for a snack. got up around 9am today... too early if you ask me. Not really feeling like eating anything atm. kinda dizzy, just want to take a nap really. i hate getting adjusted to meds.

Down 3 lbs

without trying...granted at this weight 3 lbs isn't much, but i'll take it.

Medication

So i've been put on low doses of Abilify and strattera. Abilify tends to have a weight gain effect, strattera tends to make people lose their appetite. i don't know whether to even continue trying to lose weight or not. I haven't weighed myself in awhile. I've been really sick lately. Apparently i have an inner ear problem thats been causing dizziness and a chest wall inflammation. I honestly thought i was dying for awhile. Thought my heart was giving up. Maybe that is a clear sign that i need to lose weight but it's SOOo hard. I think i have a food addiction...specifiically sweets. Steve keeps bringing ice cream in the house and expecting me to not eat it. I'm so weak when it comes to ice cream. Every time i go to the store its a struggle not to get soda and candybars. I just don't know if it is worth it to lose weight but make myself miserable. And with the meds, they could help, but the could seriously hinder me as well. Words of advice?

McDonalds is trying to help

Yeah was a bad girl and went there for dinner. Really haven't been feeling well lately and had a migraine most of today. Anyways got a grilled chicken sandwich and a large fry....only they forgot to give me my large fry even though they didn't forget to charge me for it. I chalked it up as a sign and didn't even call to complain. Other than that i had some tuna for lunch and a banana for breakfast. Water to drink all day. Tried to take a walk during a break in the storms but it started pouring about halfway through our first lap. It actually felt pretty good. If i hadn't had Kit in the stroller i might have just stuck it out and walked the three.

Ow

So yeah haven't blogged lately. Been having alot of pain issues. My muscles...specifically the ones in my neck and upper back...have been just locking up for no reason. For about 2 weeks I could barely move. It is getting better now, but why is it so hard to get going again? Of course the first thing I reach for when hurting is freaking junk food...comfort foods. And i didn't feel much like cooking so had a lot of fast food.
So doing some better now. Been eating mainly chicken pot pie the last 2 days. I made a big pot the other day so been eating leftovers. Haven't been exercising any to speak of. Have been doing alot of cleaning trying to get the house back in order. Of course when i can't do anything everyone else decides they can just leave dishes and trash wherever. I am so mad i just did 6 loads of Tana's laundry and i look in her room and it's all over the floor!!!

ugghhhh

went to party. Ate more than i should. Rode bike. now too tired to write this. UGGHGHHGH

ETA: so I went to a surprise bday party for a friend. It said potluck so i really didn't expect to eat too much. most of the time i can't eat much at a pot luck cause there is onions in everything. But anyways it turned into a huge cookout...steak, hamburgers, mussles, shrimp, clams, hotdogs, chips, salad, strawberries, watermelon...then there was the taco dip i made and omg someone brought the BEST snickerdoodles i have EVER had. I think that's what killed me lol. Anyways dropped the girls off at my moms on the way home and steve and I decided to go for a bike ride. Issue being that i hadn't ridden a bike in about 10-15 years. Then the bike i was riding wouldn't switch gears right. so we were out for maybe an hour. Considering i was coming to the end of a sorta manic phase (been sleeping in 2 hour blocks lately) I was exhausted. still didn't go to bed till like midnight but slept like 11 hours.

Weakness

I am so weak. Seriously. So today Steve decided to wake me up an hour late and then rush me getting ready so we could go to his sister's. Guess what I forgot. Breakfast. So we went to his sister's (yay i'm so glad they're done fighting), ran a couple errands, and then went to my parents to pick up my moms old bike (now my bike). Till we got home it was like 2pm. So I'm SOOO hungry at that point. I haven't gone grocery shopping and i REALLY don't feel like cooking anything so i decide to go to Subway. Well McDonalds is right next door and the rest of the family decided they wanted burgers. so FIRST i messed up by getting a soda at Subway. I justified it by saying that I didn't have water at home yet. I did have some fruit juice left though and that would have been much better. Then when i went to get the family food.... i got fries. I know fries are like the worst but I LOVE McDonalds fries.

On the other hand I was proud of myself today. It pretty much rained most of the day after we got home so I COULD have had a valid excuse for not taking a walk...and well i still have yardsale stuff in the living room so i don't have room to exercise there. However when Kit woke up from her nap (not till like 7 pm tonight!!!) it had stopped raining so not only did I go for a walk but I also pushed myself to do a 4th lap around the neighborhood.

Got home and went straight to the store and tried to make some healthier food choices. No TV dinners. DID get some of these tyson chicken ball things that were cordon bleu. They're pretty yummy. Had 4 of them for dinner which is 1 ball more than a "serving" then had some honey wheat pretzels. For snacks I bought the pretzels, some of those kashi bars, low fat cottage cheese, and bananas. NO sweets. I bought some boneless skinless chicken breasts to make for dinner some nights this week and some organic pasta and alfredo sauce made with sundried tomatoes....which probably has a lot of fat in it but it is SOOOOO good. gonna go to costco tomorrow and get some beef. Yeah i know red meat is "bad for you" Am gonna try to eat it more in moderation, but dammit I love me my red meat and i'm not giving up both that and sweets. Plus steve would shoot me if i banned beef from the house LOL.

Two days in a row

Got out for another walk today. Wanted to walk with my SIL this morning but didn't wake up in time. I gotta start going to bed earlier. was up till 5:30 or so. Anyways woke up this morning and had one of the weight loss shakes i still had left over. It wasn't even about diet this morning it was about having 4 hours sleep and not feeling like having to prepare anything. Even nuking was beyond me. Went back to bed around noon and slept till almost 3. Got up and putzed around on the comp until the baby woke up from her nap. Tana came over then and asked if we could go for a walk. Walked around the neighborhood down the road 3 times. I don't know how far it is but if i had to guess i would say 1.5-2 miles we walked. Maybe i'll go measure it with my car LOL. Came home and had 2 tuna salad sandwhiches for dinner. Didn't have any wheat thins to go with the tuna salad, had to settle for bread. I had a 6 oz pouch of tuna i split with Tana, so maybe it was a bit much to eat, but that was all i had...no chips or anything with it so that's an improvement for me. Around 11pm I got REALLY hungry so i had a small bowl of Kix with just enough milk to make it damp. Then i was still hungry so i had 2 slices of american cheese. I STILL feel hungry. Would try filling the belly up with water but i'm out of spring water and the tap here tastes like chlorine..ick. So anyways am going to clean up the kitchen some I think and then call it a night. Oh I also called my mom this morning and asked her if I could have her bike. She's had it....well forever and I can't EVER recall seeing her actually ride it. So she said sure so going to pick that up tomorrow and steve's gonna get it ready for me to ride. I need to get the living room cleaned up too so i have room to work out some in there. I have the Wii fit plus we have comcast on demand and they have some work out shows for free on there so am gonna have to check that out so things don't get boring. Am thinking about getting the new EA workout game for the Wii but I know Steve won't let me until i prove i'm serious...so i figure i will try and lose 10-15 lbs and then ask.

I'm Back

Ok SOOOOO obviously i had kinda given up. Just weighed myself and i'm just shy of 225. Which while a 6 lb gain sux I thought it was MUCH, MUCH worse. I really thought i had gained 15-20. So anyways now back on track. My goal for 2 weeks from now is 5 lbs. I know that supposedly a pound or 2 a week is what's healthy but honestly at my weight I don't think taking that much or even a little more would hurt me. I know that weight loss will slow down unless I up my game later so i might as well start hard now. I think I am going to focus more on exercise than diet. I mean, I'm gonna try to keep the junk food to a minimum, but counting calories just confuses and depresses me. So gonna try to just keep it to good food, reasonable portions, and get off my butt and move.

Willpower

I just wanted to add that today I baked cookies for the neighbor kids to say thank you for helping Tana clean up the patio. I did not eat 1 cookie, not 1 bite, not even to taste test. And I made Steve hamburger helper with some hamburger I got at the farmer's market. (as in beef was ground TODAY....about as fresh as you can get without killing the cow yourself) Didn't eat any of that either even though it smelled sooooooooooooooooo good. And the hardest one of all.... my SIL gave the girls their easter baskets last night, cause she hadn't seen them. I even sat there and fed Kit a piece of candy, didn't even sneak a bite. OMG I am so proud of me.

I did leave some cookies for Steve, didn't give them all to the neighbors. I am hoping he will eat the rest tomorrow. i don't know how long i can deal with a plate of them sitting down there.

I did not get on the Wii fit though. Kit was having a meltdown and I have to be up in 6hrs now so I am gonna call it a night.

Doing Better

I did pretty well yesterday. For breakfast I had oatmeal(old fashioned), and some fruit...a mix of melons and grapes. I kinda munched on some honey wheat pretzels in the afternoon and then had a salad of mixed "spring greens" for dinner. I have a salad spritzer and only used 5 sprirtzes on the salad, which is half a serving. Around about 10pm i got hungry and had a pb and j. Oh and i had like 2 bananas throughout the day too. I spent an hour on the Wii fit in the morning and then took probably about a mile or so walk in the evening with the girls (Kit in the stroller)

Today I just had the fruit mix for breakfast. I had a pb and j around 2. I haven't really been hungry the rest of the day. I've munched on a couple brazil nuts but that's about it. I think maybe because i didn't sleep enough last night...when I'm tired I don't want to eat as much for whatever reason. I went to Green Dragon (local farmer's market) for about an hour and a half and walked around. I think even though I am tired and sore I am going to get the Wii Fit out after I am done with this blog....if I can get Kit to settle down again that is.

Failure x3

I think that's how many days i've meant to get some exercise and haven't. My back hurts so bad tonight there's just no way i can do anything. I don't want to move. Tomorrow for sure. Tomorrow coincidentally is also the start of my weeklong no meat no dairy fast. I've decided also no candy, and soda. I think I will prob go back to eating meat after this week, and I KNOW i'll go back to dairy. But maybe getting em out of my system for a week will help. I went grocery shopping today for stuff I can eat. I got tuna (we're not counting fish), salad, oatmeal, and grits. I can make them with water and add a little honey for sweetness. Lots of bananas and pb and j. I really wanted to get some more vegetables but I don't know if i can bring myself to eat them. I gotta grow up one of these days.

Yes I'm still here. This diet thing has not been working so good. What is wrong with me? I just want to eat ALL the time. So anyways, starting thursday I am off meat and dairy for a week for spiritual reasons. I am also going to cut out blatant sugars...that is candy and soda and that type stuff. (I figure pb and jelly is not meat or dairy but jelly does have sugar) If I can do it for a week....well we'll go from there.

I REALLY need to get motivated and exercise. It was a gorgeous weekend. Know what I did? Sat inside on my butt in front of the computer. No wonder I am fat. So goal for today...it's raining so 20 min of exercise on the Wii fit OR one fitness show from on demand...participating not just watching LOL. It may not be much but it is a start.

Oh Easter how i despise thee

Yeah that's me in all my fatness. All 219 lbs of me. Tana snapped that earlier today. Atleast I'm dressed nice. Wind blowing my already crazy hair around, squinting against the sun, really brought out the double chin.

Anyways, I THINK i'm beginning to come out of the depression I've been in. You know for it being easter and all the candy being around i didn't do too bad today. candywise i had a peep and a cadbury egg....oohhh yummmm. i had a piece of chocolate cake with dinner, but din't have an overly large piece of lasagna and ate a nice salad too. Probably shouldn't have had 3 pieces of garlic bread but it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. Oh well...calories don't count on holidays right?

Depression = bad

I don't even want to talk about what i ate today. Yesterday wasn't too bad. had to eat dinner on the run so grabbed a bacon double cheeseburger at Burger King, yes I know, I know....but I LIKE burgers. I got no pickles, light ketchup, and two bottoms of the buns. I did not have fries, I did not have a shake, I did not have a soda, I did not have a Hershey Sundae Pie. Just sprin water. So I did ok i think

Today was really bad, crackers, ice cream, potato chips... mac and cheese for dinner...and not like good homemade mac and cheese but the kraft kind. I realized looking around that i'm in a really bad depression atm. Not suicidal, but maybe not too far from it. i was doing ok, but then some stuff happened with 2 of my siblings within 24 hours of eachother, and while I was concerned I thought I was dealing with it ok. They are both ok, nothing life threatening I don;t think, but cause for concern. Kit's been really sick on top of that, and a sick baby means a sleep deprived and worried mommy. This may be the worst depression I've been in since i had Kit. Normally i can assess that i'm depressed and then find a way to pull myself out of it. This time I'm so depressed i don't even want to try and pull myself out of it. So I dunno what to do. I REALLY don't want to go back on my meds, but if i can't shake this soon i may have to. All I know is right now I want to just sit and cry. I don't want to do anything at all righ tnow. This sucks.

lb down

lol I know 1 lb is like nothing. it could just be the difference in the time of day that I weighed myself...but damn it I'm claiming it. Officially 218.9 So not quite a whole pound but whatever.

Yesterday was ok. had my shakes...i'm gonna finish them off i think, but then switch to regular food. A mix of oatmeal, yogurt and fruit for breakfast and maybe salads for lunch...we'll see. Anyways had my shakes yesterday, nutrigrain bars for snacks, Cheese Ravioli for dinner. Just the ravioli tossed in a little olive oil and with some parmesan cheese on it.

Failure....

Why does Steve sabotage me? He says he's going out for chinese and acts like he'll be mad if I don't want any. so I did have chinese yesterday but i ate half of it for lunch and half for dinner. Honey Chicken and white rice. Why was it neon orange? I am not eating it again. I felt like crap last night. Today I have a pounding headache. Granted that could be from the buttery nipples last night but I didn't drink any more than I normally do and I usually dont get hung over.

Still dealing with a sick baby so no exercise yesterday. Got 5 min to myself here and there. Most of the time I was trying to comfort her. Plus i still had that knot or whatever in my back. Feels some better today.

bllllaaaahhhhh

It is almost 3 in the morning and Kit is still up, she's fallen asleep periodically, but she hasn't slept more than like an hour or so at a time all day....or all last night either. So yeah i spent most of my day with a fussy baby. Gonna see if the dr has some hours tomorrow, cause she is just miserable and the fever keeps coming back.

Anyways food wise i did okay today. milkshake for breakfast and lunch. 2 REALLY small pieces of cake., one as a snack and one (Steve spent a good portion of the day eating cake and ice cream bars in front of me so I did ok) 2 moderately sized pieces of pizza for dinner. Did have some pomegranate 7 up with that. I AM trying to cut soda out of my life at least for now and stick to water, juice, and coffee. (don't even try to take my coffee) Around 1 am I got hungry and had a nutrigrain bar...there are worse things i could eat.

I'm just gonna say now, like I KNOW that cake isn't terrific for me, but 2 weeks ago I would have totally wiped that half a cake out all by myself today instead of having 2 SMALL pieces. So it IS progress. I am trying to keep sweets out of the house (hubby is not helping with that) I don't do well with temptation.

I did not get any exercise done at all, but I did get the Wii fit out just long enough to check my weight. It is the only "scale" I own so that's what i have to go by. Anyways my official starting weight as of today is 219.8 lbs (yes i put on the little foot extensions for the carpet) My goal is 130 give or take 5lbs. That means essentially I need to lose about 90lbs.

4-2

I bet you thought I was slacking off and that's why I didn't post. No I did good yesterday. Milkshakes for breakfast and lunch. I had to bake a cake for study group. Now I bake and make my icing from scratch, so I did have to taste test the icing, but I didn't have THAT much. Dinner was a salad with tomatoes, eggs, turkey, cheese and a little dressing. I tried to not go too crazy on the toppings. We had bread but I didn't eat any. I did have a SMALL!!!!! piece of my cake. (and it was yummy) i tried to get rid of it on the way home but my SIL still had a birthday cake from monday so they wouldn't take it. I think i may have a SMALL piece and i mean even smaller than what i had last night, for a little snack here in a couple min. I mean...it would be a shame to let it go bad...baking a devil's food cake from scratch is a lot of work... Not sure what I'll have for dinner yet tonight. i don't have any meat thawed so my choices are ravioli, fettucini alfredo, or mac and cheese (the kind from a box)

Oh and i didn't post last night cause it was late when i got home and there was an issue with Kit...which you can read at my general blog.... www.just-ari.blogspot.com

Day 5

Today was ok. Drank a milkshake for breakfast. Had a nutrigrain bar as a mid morning snack. 130 calories...I checked. Milkshake for lunch. Couple goldfish crackers (like 5...SERIOUSLY) as a snack. Then I went to set up for my mom's surpise birthday party. I know what you are thinking, but I didn't do too bad. I had 2 slices of pizza...moderate slices, not the huge ass ones you get at most pizzarias. and 2 pieces of cake...i know 2 pieces but seriously she cut them in 1 1/2 inch squares so 2 pieces was really like 1....or like 1/4 of what i would normally would eat. So it's progress

On a plus side one of my mom's friends noticed my ring and asked if I was Wiccan. So I gave a short explanation of my spiritual path and then he started talking to me about how he and his wife have met alot of pagans cause they are on this raw food kick. So anyways he offered to help me out some with my diet and teach me to make "green smoothies" So I figure it won't hurt to give it a try and it's probably 1000 times better for me than anything I'm doing on my own. I'm certainly never going to go vegan or anything. (sorry cute little animals you taste yummy) but i'm sure if i can incorporate some of it into my diet it can only help.

So anyways to finish off my day I did have a couple buttery nipples...which i know alcohol is just full of calories...but to be frank, alcohol is easier to come by than vicodin and tylenol/aleve just wasn't cutting it.

So i felt I did ok today. No official exercise again...I'm getting there. But moving tables and decorating a room has to count for SOMETHING atleast. Will try to finish up the living room tomorrow so I can get the Wii fit out.

Today

I didn't do as bad with eating. had my second milkshake for lunch. Had a twice baked potato for dinner, and by "a" I mean two halves. Why is it I go on a diet and people bring me food? My mother-in-law hasn't made me twice baked potatoes since I was pregnant with Kit. Oh and then a small dish of ice cream. Hey ice cream is good for you dammit.

I didn't officially exercise today. I did a lot of cleaning though, and cleaning out that one closet included moving my husband's tool box. Not some dinky little toolbox either. It was one of those cart/chest combo things with like 6 or 7 drawers and all of them full of big heavy metal tools. Yeah it's on wheels but it was still heavy as hell and i had to move furniture around to get it in it's new home. So that should count right?

So anyways i'm feeling kinda hungry now, but I'm just waiting for Kit to go to sleep so i can hit the hay myself.

Goals

So what do I want? i don't want to be a stick, I'm realistic, that just isn't going to happen. I guess weight-wise I'd like to be somewhere around 130, give or take 5 lbs. Yeah that's right i need to lose just about 100 lbs. I would like my curves to look more like curves and not blobs. I would like a semi flat stomach with just a little chub. (a LITTLE stomach chub is cute) I'd like to be able to sit comfortably with my legs closed. I'd like to be able to tie my shoes without having to sit with my foot on my opposite knee. I'd like to go into a normal store and find clothes that fit me. I'd like my bra to be a 34d, but i could get away with a C, and i wish my boobs would stay where they belong (yeah i know none of that is happening without surgery) I'd like to go up the stairs without being out of breath. I'd like to have some energy. I'd like my husband to maybe acutally LIKE seeing me naked. I want guys to hit on me again when I'm out.

So far today I've had 1 shake and a goldfish cracker. Now granted I've only been up about 2 hours. The cracker, i just grabbed one of Kit's without even realizing what i was doing. So...what time do i drink my second shake? Since I tend to be up so late I'm thinking maybe I should eat dinner and then have my second shake before bed? Or should i have my 2nd shake at like 2 or 3 and push dinner back till like 7?

Today my goals activity-wise are to get some major cleaning done. Basically the whole house needs done. I was so focused the last week on the open house i was doing for partylite at my mom's (which no one showed up to) that I kinda let my own house slip. So my goal for today is to get Kit's laundry done, all the dishes in the kitchen, and clean out and reorganize the closet under the stairs. I have to get the living room cleaned in order to get the Wii Fit out, so if i have time maybe i can take the girls for a walk today. I think the weather is supposed to be fairly decent.

I'm fat

Yup fat. Not chubby, not big boned, not curvy. Fat. Obese even. I hate myself. Today I weighed myself on my mom's scale. 220 that means probably 225-230 on a doctor's scale. How the fuck did this happen? I had sex with Steve today and it took awhile...which is fine, which I normally would enjoy. But all i could keep thinking was that if I wasn't so fat he would have gone sooner. I mean...I wouldn't want to have sex with me either.
I'm trying to do the whole weight loss shake thing (on day 3) Problem is that I do this emotional eating thing. Soo I eat when I'm nervous, I eat when I'm upset, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm bored. I get so depressed about being fat, so i eat to make myself feel better....and then i get fatter which makes me more depressed.

The first day of the shake thing steve brought home a pizza for lunch. Gee thx hun. The second day I was supposed to have this open house for my business but no one showed. So here i am, totally depressed with a big table of refreshments set out...you figure out what happened. Today...today was the worst of all. Had a fight with Steve. Ate all my peanut butter eggs. (my birthmom makes the GREATEST PB eggs ever.) Drank a milkshake for lunch and then had pizza on top of it. OMG Why do I do this to myself?

So here's a blog. I'm gonna let people know about it, and include pictures. Those that know me personally know that I rarely let anyone take a picture of me. MOstly because i"m fat. (and partly cause I am SOOO not photogenic) I don't think anyone will really care, but maybe if i know people might be reading this and seeing pictures of me I can shame myself into sticking to a diet/exercise plan. Or else peolpe can just watch me crash and burn miserably. So maybe a picture tomorrow. Don't have one today.