Illusions

or delusions...

Everyone says I look smaller in the belly area. When I measure I am exactly the same measurements I was in January and about 5 lbs heavier. Why is this? Are people just trying to make me feel better? I WAS so motivated, but with everything that's been going on. I mean I know i'm not trying hard enough right now to get results. I haven't even looked at the cardio equipment in a month. Painwise I did ok today. Just took the anti-inflammatory. NO percocet, no skelaxin. I told hubby the battery was dead in my car yesterday but he didn't do anything to fix it yet. He said he will in the morning but that means i'm not going anywhere till tomorrow night atleast and my little brother was wanting to come over again. I need to find my motivation again.

Been gone awhile

So I haven't posted in awhile and haven't been that active lately either. So here's what's going on...


All my life I've had pain. It started mainly in my legs, sorta like growing pains. I would also get injured very easily, and times my legs would swell up from a seemingly minor injury and xrays and MRI's would never be able to find anything physically wrong. As I got older it spread through my body. The muscles in my back specifically started getting terribly tight and my back has hurt to some degree every day since I was 12. Where i have had injuries (sprains/breaks) has been extremely arthritic and cause muscle spasms through large sections of my body. My birthmother has the exact same symptoms as does my half sister, and my daughter and nephew are showing the beginning signs of it. (thought it's possible it COULD just be growing pains) My joints (including my chestwall) will randomly inflame and there's pretty much always something.

My birthmother was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and when I was still breastfeeding Kit I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Both of us have our doubts about this diagnosis as it doesn't seem to quite fit, the biggest disparity being that fibromyalgia RARELY manifests in childhood.

Anyways at the time of the diagnosis I chose not to do anything about it as taking medication would mean I'd have to stop breastfeeding, and that was something I was not prepared to do. Spring and Fall are always difficult times for me as the weather is changing alot. This spring has been especially difficult and about a month ago I made the decision to go to the dr and see if she could help me. She prescribed me flexeril (muscle relaxer) and naproxen(anti-inflamatory) Unfortunately I had an allergic reaction to the flexeril and was treated to several weeks of dizzy spells. They now have me on skelaxin instead and it is working much better, but it is too expensive for me to take on a consistent basis. They also have me on voltaren which is a stronger anti inflamatory and helping. So i'm feeling better overall and I plan on returning to the gym and my weight loss efforts this week.

Ugh

So far I've managed to gain 3 lbs. I have been going to the gym regularly 3 times a week, but an awful cold caused me to take 2 weeks off. I didn't think people would appreciate me coughing, sneezing, and snotting all over the equipment. There's been so much drama and craziness around here lately... I've had a really hard time with the emotional eating. Atleast I should be hopefully building some muscle.

yeah yeah...

I do believe we've already established that I'm the worst blogger ever. So I finally got signed up for the personal training. I was supposed to have my first session monday night, but I had forgotten I had to babysit. So I changed it to last night. Well apparently it didn't get in the computer right so i had this young kid just take my measurements and stuff. Apparently my official starting weight is 241. /sigh. So anyways he didn't know what to do as far as setting me up with a workout, so he told me to come back at 10 this morning to talk to Jared.

I went in at 10 and the boss wasn't there. So the kid tells me to just go hit the eliptical till Jared gets there. At this point a woman comes up and introduces herself as one of the trainers and asks me what's going on. I told her the whole mess and she apologized profusely and said "I'm not technically on yet, but I'll work you out" So we did a really GREAT upper body workout. I mean it wasn't so hard that I needed her to help me with reps like the time i worked out with Jared, but it was like if i had to do one or two more reps i mighta been in trouble. I felt pushed, but not beyond my limits. So she wasn't really prepared for me today so she said she'd prepare 2 other workouts for me tonight and if i meet her in the morning she'll give me instructions and then I made another appt with her for monday morning. Today for the first time I felt like I actually accomplished something in the gym!!

I am changing my ticker to reflect my current weight as starting and setting an initial goal of 50lbs. My New Years resolution was to be 50 lbs lighter next year. That's under a lb a week technically so should be managable. (well I've wasted 4 or 5 weeks now but still) So anyways I think I will just set that as my goal for now and then when I accomplish that set a new goal. To say i want to be 135lbs just seems so massive and impossible right now. So lets shoot for 190 and go from there.

Weigh in Wednesday

yesterday was Wednesday and i did step on the scale and take my measurements....No change. To be expected. I got to the gym thurs and friday last week and then took the weekend off....which turned into monday and tuesday off too :( I did go to the gym yesterday and did some lifting focusing on upper body and abs. Then I spend 35min on the eliptical. I think I may have pushed it a little too hard on the eliptical. I turned it up to lvl 4 and tried to keep it at like 4mph. I did ok till the end and suddenly the last 5 min or so my head started pounding and i got sick to my stomach. Was almost afraid to drive home honestly. I haven't felt quite right in the stomach since though the headache is mostly gone. I may go in tonight with Julie. I think for now i'm just gonna try and catch a nap though.

day 2

Just a quick post today. Hd yogurt for breakfast, tuna salad on wheat for lunch (with swiss) 3 slices of swiss for a snack and some chicken bake stuff at Holly's. I did pretty good up until the point that Holly made gingerbread cookies... OOO they were yummy, and i lack will power.

The girls had their yearly checkups today so I decided to go to the gym beforehand. Did some abs and legs as far as weight training and then got on the eliptical for 35 min. Did 1.8 miles I think it said. I was ok getting off the machine but by the time I got to the Dr.'s office I was having trouble with turning the steering wheel to park. By the time i got home could barely lift my left arm :( I took a muscle relaxer and a nap and that seemed to help. I am going to soak in the tub now and then an early bedtime i think.

day 1

Well my meeting with the trainer went ok today. Unfortunately I didn't get THAT much out of it. He worked out my chest and shoulders some. Definitely pushed me much further than i would have pushed myself. I hated him a little for that omg i was in so much pain. He says I naturally have very good form and he was very impressed. Also for some reason he REALLY likes my nose ring. I really only spent about half an hour working out with him though. The rest of the time he talked to me about the training program there.

He said he's willing to work with me twice a month for $70 a month (and he'd throw in some free sessions here and there) Then they'd plan out my workouts for 2 weeks at each meeting. I REALLY think it would be helpful for me. I talked to steve and he said when we get our tax return I could pay for a couple months upfront and we'd go from there. This is after the huge fit he threw the other night because I signed up without asking him. So...progress there. He said to me today that he would have preffered I waited till the next pay period, but he understands that I had talked them down alot and saved alot of money.

Anyways I went back tonight and spent 45 minutes on the eliptical. I tell you what i was ready to get off about 5 min into it, but i pushed myself. I did 2 miles. A really nice trainer came by and was talking to me a bit and helped me figure out my heart rate. He said I should get a monitor so I make sure I'm in the range for fat burning. He said my heartrate was a little high actually. I told him I know, but I'm SOOOO out of shape and if i went any slower on the eliptical the stupid thing would tell me to resume my workout LOL. Anyways he offered to help me out with a lower body workout next week so that's awesome. Hopefully we get all our documents for our tax return soon and hopefully we still get a good amount back this year.

I am going to attempt to drag my butt out of bed and go in tomorrow before the girls checkups at the drs. I am DEFINITELY not a morning person though so won't be easy. I think i'll try out some of the ab machines and probably hit the eliptical again. I just don't even know what i'm doing in there. I am thinking I want to try and str/cardio train like 3 days a week and then hit the yoga and/or water aerobics on off days. Atleast get in there 5 days a week. I know it's ambitious but I think I will do better if I go in more often... then it becomes part of my normal schedule instead of being something I can just blow off if i don't feel like it...

ETA: Forgot to say what I ate today. Didn't do so good. I had half a single serve bag of cheez-its for breakfast and a danactive. To be fair Tana ate my last yogurt. Lunch was a ham and swiss sandwich on whole wheat. 1 slice of honey ham and 4 slices of swiss +more mayo than i should have had. I had i think a total of 5 Fudge Stripe cookies. (Damn Steve for bringing them home) Dinner was BBQ Roast Beef and Mashed potatoes. I wanted to eat some spinach, but i'm not sure if what ihave is good anymore and i didn't feel like bending down to get it out of the produce drawer :S Oh and I had 2 glasses of coke. I am determined if I eat anymore tonight that it be a yogurt...NO COOKIES!!! ugh so hard. I think though once the kids are in bed I'm going to have a nice soak in the tub and go to bed myself. I am exhausted.

Steve won't let me get a lock right now so i have to leave my purse and all my belongings in the car and lock them up and then slip my keys in the diaper bag when I leave Kit at the daycare. Anyways I can't wait till i have a lock so i can enjoy the whirlpool there!!!