Today

I didn't do as bad with eating. had my second milkshake for lunch. Had a twice baked potato for dinner, and by "a" I mean two halves. Why is it I go on a diet and people bring me food? My mother-in-law hasn't made me twice baked potatoes since I was pregnant with Kit. Oh and then a small dish of ice cream. Hey ice cream is good for you dammit.

I didn't officially exercise today. I did a lot of cleaning though, and cleaning out that one closet included moving my husband's tool box. Not some dinky little toolbox either. It was one of those cart/chest combo things with like 6 or 7 drawers and all of them full of big heavy metal tools. Yeah it's on wheels but it was still heavy as hell and i had to move furniture around to get it in it's new home. So that should count right?

So anyways i'm feeling kinda hungry now, but I'm just waiting for Kit to go to sleep so i can hit the hay myself.

Goals

So what do I want? i don't want to be a stick, I'm realistic, that just isn't going to happen. I guess weight-wise I'd like to be somewhere around 130, give or take 5 lbs. Yeah that's right i need to lose just about 100 lbs. I would like my curves to look more like curves and not blobs. I would like a semi flat stomach with just a little chub. (a LITTLE stomach chub is cute) I'd like to be able to sit comfortably with my legs closed. I'd like to be able to tie my shoes without having to sit with my foot on my opposite knee. I'd like to go into a normal store and find clothes that fit me. I'd like my bra to be a 34d, but i could get away with a C, and i wish my boobs would stay where they belong (yeah i know none of that is happening without surgery) I'd like to go up the stairs without being out of breath. I'd like to have some energy. I'd like my husband to maybe acutally LIKE seeing me naked. I want guys to hit on me again when I'm out.

So far today I've had 1 shake and a goldfish cracker. Now granted I've only been up about 2 hours. The cracker, i just grabbed one of Kit's without even realizing what i was doing. So...what time do i drink my second shake? Since I tend to be up so late I'm thinking maybe I should eat dinner and then have my second shake before bed? Or should i have my 2nd shake at like 2 or 3 and push dinner back till like 7?

Today my goals activity-wise are to get some major cleaning done. Basically the whole house needs done. I was so focused the last week on the open house i was doing for partylite at my mom's (which no one showed up to) that I kinda let my own house slip. So my goal for today is to get Kit's laundry done, all the dishes in the kitchen, and clean out and reorganize the closet under the stairs. I have to get the living room cleaned in order to get the Wii Fit out, so if i have time maybe i can take the girls for a walk today. I think the weather is supposed to be fairly decent.

I'm fat

Yup fat. Not chubby, not big boned, not curvy. Fat. Obese even. I hate myself. Today I weighed myself on my mom's scale. 220 that means probably 225-230 on a doctor's scale. How the fuck did this happen? I had sex with Steve today and it took awhile...which is fine, which I normally would enjoy. But all i could keep thinking was that if I wasn't so fat he would have gone sooner. I mean...I wouldn't want to have sex with me either.
I'm trying to do the whole weight loss shake thing (on day 3) Problem is that I do this emotional eating thing. Soo I eat when I'm nervous, I eat when I'm upset, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm bored. I get so depressed about being fat, so i eat to make myself feel better....and then i get fatter which makes me more depressed.

The first day of the shake thing steve brought home a pizza for lunch. Gee thx hun. The second day I was supposed to have this open house for my business but no one showed. So here i am, totally depressed with a big table of refreshments set out...you figure out what happened. Today...today was the worst of all. Had a fight with Steve. Ate all my peanut butter eggs. (my birthmom makes the GREATEST PB eggs ever.) Drank a milkshake for lunch and then had pizza on top of it. OMG Why do I do this to myself?

So here's a blog. I'm gonna let people know about it, and include pictures. Those that know me personally know that I rarely let anyone take a picture of me. MOstly because i"m fat. (and partly cause I am SOOO not photogenic) I don't think anyone will really care, but maybe if i know people might be reading this and seeing pictures of me I can shame myself into sticking to a diet/exercise plan. Or else peolpe can just watch me crash and burn miserably. So maybe a picture tomorrow. Don't have one today.