Yup fat. Not chubby, not big boned, not curvy. Fat. Obese even. I hate myself. Today I weighed myself on my mom's scale. 220 that means probably 225-230 on a doctor's scale. How the fuck did this happen? I had sex with Steve today and it took awhile...which is fine, which I normally would enjoy. But all i could keep thinking was that if I wasn't so fat he would have gone sooner. I mean...I wouldn't want to have sex with me either.
I'm trying to do the whole weight loss shake thing (on day 3) Problem is that I do this emotional eating thing. Soo I eat when I'm nervous, I eat when I'm upset, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm bored. I get so depressed about being fat, so i eat to make myself feel better....and then i get fatter which makes me more depressed.
The first day of the shake thing steve brought home a pizza for lunch. Gee thx hun. The second day I was supposed to have this open house for my business but no one showed. So here i am, totally depressed with a big table of refreshments set out...you figure out what happened. Today...today was the worst of all. Had a fight with Steve. Ate all my peanut butter eggs. (my birthmom makes the GREATEST PB eggs ever.) Drank a milkshake for lunch and then had pizza on top of it. OMG Why do I do this to myself?
So here's a blog. I'm gonna let people know about it, and include pictures. Those that know me personally know that I rarely let anyone take a picture of me. MOstly because i"m fat. (and partly cause I am SOOO not photogenic) I don't think anyone will really care, but maybe if i know people might be reading this and seeing pictures of me I can shame myself into sticking to a diet/exercise plan. Or else peolpe can just watch me crash and burn miserably. So maybe a picture tomorrow. Don't have one today.
progress
Monday, March 30, 2009
I'm fat
Posted by Unknown at 9:41 PM
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1 comments:
Hey my girl. Just a bit of advice-I know you didn't ask for it but after reading your comments I felt the need to give it. Please, please understand that you are not going to be able to change anything until you learn to love yourself as you are first. I know this sounds sappy but I am also on this journey and have found it to be absolutely true. I've lost weight many times before and have kept gaining it back because I always do it for the wrong reasons.
Comparing ourselves to others just doesn't work. Each of us can only strive to be the best that WE can be, not someone else. Unfortunately someone will always be prettier, skinnier, more popular than all of us. It is a hard thing to face but it is true.
Now, you are a child of the Goddess and you are loveable and deserve everything that you strive toward. NO MORE negative words toward yourself. I challenge you to find one thing that you really like about yourself (it does not need to be physical) and every time you have a negative thought, replace it with that. Personally for me I think no matter what weight I am I have a nice butt so I use that for myself. Try not to stare when you see mee (tee-hee).
Love ya sister-talk to you soon.
Kimberly
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