Oh Easter how i despise thee

Yeah that's me in all my fatness. All 219 lbs of me. Tana snapped that earlier today. Atleast I'm dressed nice. Wind blowing my already crazy hair around, squinting against the sun, really brought out the double chin.

Anyways, I THINK i'm beginning to come out of the depression I've been in. You know for it being easter and all the candy being around i didn't do too bad today. candywise i had a peep and a cadbury egg....oohhh yummmm. i had a piece of chocolate cake with dinner, but din't have an overly large piece of lasagna and ate a nice salad too. Probably shouldn't have had 3 pieces of garlic bread but it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. Oh well...calories don't count on holidays right?

Depression = bad

I don't even want to talk about what i ate today. Yesterday wasn't too bad. had to eat dinner on the run so grabbed a bacon double cheeseburger at Burger King, yes I know, I know....but I LIKE burgers. I got no pickles, light ketchup, and two bottoms of the buns. I did not have fries, I did not have a shake, I did not have a soda, I did not have a Hershey Sundae Pie. Just sprin water. So I did ok i think

Today was really bad, crackers, ice cream, potato chips... mac and cheese for dinner...and not like good homemade mac and cheese but the kraft kind. I realized looking around that i'm in a really bad depression atm. Not suicidal, but maybe not too far from it. i was doing ok, but then some stuff happened with 2 of my siblings within 24 hours of eachother, and while I was concerned I thought I was dealing with it ok. They are both ok, nothing life threatening I don;t think, but cause for concern. Kit's been really sick on top of that, and a sick baby means a sleep deprived and worried mommy. This may be the worst depression I've been in since i had Kit. Normally i can assess that i'm depressed and then find a way to pull myself out of it. This time I'm so depressed i don't even want to try and pull myself out of it. So I dunno what to do. I REALLY don't want to go back on my meds, but if i can't shake this soon i may have to. All I know is right now I want to just sit and cry. I don't want to do anything at all righ tnow. This sucks.

lb down

lol I know 1 lb is like nothing. it could just be the difference in the time of day that I weighed myself...but damn it I'm claiming it. Officially 218.9 So not quite a whole pound but whatever.

Yesterday was ok. had my shakes...i'm gonna finish them off i think, but then switch to regular food. A mix of oatmeal, yogurt and fruit for breakfast and maybe salads for lunch...we'll see. Anyways had my shakes yesterday, nutrigrain bars for snacks, Cheese Ravioli for dinner. Just the ravioli tossed in a little olive oil and with some parmesan cheese on it.

Failure....

Why does Steve sabotage me? He says he's going out for chinese and acts like he'll be mad if I don't want any. so I did have chinese yesterday but i ate half of it for lunch and half for dinner. Honey Chicken and white rice. Why was it neon orange? I am not eating it again. I felt like crap last night. Today I have a pounding headache. Granted that could be from the buttery nipples last night but I didn't drink any more than I normally do and I usually dont get hung over.

Still dealing with a sick baby so no exercise yesterday. Got 5 min to myself here and there. Most of the time I was trying to comfort her. Plus i still had that knot or whatever in my back. Feels some better today.

bllllaaaahhhhh

It is almost 3 in the morning and Kit is still up, she's fallen asleep periodically, but she hasn't slept more than like an hour or so at a time all day....or all last night either. So yeah i spent most of my day with a fussy baby. Gonna see if the dr has some hours tomorrow, cause she is just miserable and the fever keeps coming back.

Anyways food wise i did okay today. milkshake for breakfast and lunch. 2 REALLY small pieces of cake., one as a snack and one (Steve spent a good portion of the day eating cake and ice cream bars in front of me so I did ok) 2 moderately sized pieces of pizza for dinner. Did have some pomegranate 7 up with that. I AM trying to cut soda out of my life at least for now and stick to water, juice, and coffee. (don't even try to take my coffee) Around 1 am I got hungry and had a nutrigrain bar...there are worse things i could eat.

I'm just gonna say now, like I KNOW that cake isn't terrific for me, but 2 weeks ago I would have totally wiped that half a cake out all by myself today instead of having 2 SMALL pieces. So it IS progress. I am trying to keep sweets out of the house (hubby is not helping with that) I don't do well with temptation.

I did not get any exercise done at all, but I did get the Wii fit out just long enough to check my weight. It is the only "scale" I own so that's what i have to go by. Anyways my official starting weight as of today is 219.8 lbs (yes i put on the little foot extensions for the carpet) My goal is 130 give or take 5lbs. That means essentially I need to lose about 90lbs.

4-2

I bet you thought I was slacking off and that's why I didn't post. No I did good yesterday. Milkshakes for breakfast and lunch. I had to bake a cake for study group. Now I bake and make my icing from scratch, so I did have to taste test the icing, but I didn't have THAT much. Dinner was a salad with tomatoes, eggs, turkey, cheese and a little dressing. I tried to not go too crazy on the toppings. We had bread but I didn't eat any. I did have a SMALL!!!!! piece of my cake. (and it was yummy) i tried to get rid of it on the way home but my SIL still had a birthday cake from monday so they wouldn't take it. I think i may have a SMALL piece and i mean even smaller than what i had last night, for a little snack here in a couple min. I mean...it would be a shame to let it go bad...baking a devil's food cake from scratch is a lot of work... Not sure what I'll have for dinner yet tonight. i don't have any meat thawed so my choices are ravioli, fettucini alfredo, or mac and cheese (the kind from a box)

Oh and i didn't post last night cause it was late when i got home and there was an issue with Kit...which you can read at my general blog.... www.just-ari.blogspot.com

Day 5

Today was ok. Drank a milkshake for breakfast. Had a nutrigrain bar as a mid morning snack. 130 calories...I checked. Milkshake for lunch. Couple goldfish crackers (like 5...SERIOUSLY) as a snack. Then I went to set up for my mom's surpise birthday party. I know what you are thinking, but I didn't do too bad. I had 2 slices of pizza...moderate slices, not the huge ass ones you get at most pizzarias. and 2 pieces of cake...i know 2 pieces but seriously she cut them in 1 1/2 inch squares so 2 pieces was really like 1....or like 1/4 of what i would normally would eat. So it's progress

On a plus side one of my mom's friends noticed my ring and asked if I was Wiccan. So I gave a short explanation of my spiritual path and then he started talking to me about how he and his wife have met alot of pagans cause they are on this raw food kick. So anyways he offered to help me out some with my diet and teach me to make "green smoothies" So I figure it won't hurt to give it a try and it's probably 1000 times better for me than anything I'm doing on my own. I'm certainly never going to go vegan or anything. (sorry cute little animals you taste yummy) but i'm sure if i can incorporate some of it into my diet it can only help.

So anyways to finish off my day I did have a couple buttery nipples...which i know alcohol is just full of calories...but to be frank, alcohol is easier to come by than vicodin and tylenol/aleve just wasn't cutting it.

So i felt I did ok today. No official exercise again...I'm getting there. But moving tables and decorating a room has to count for SOMETHING atleast. Will try to finish up the living room tomorrow so I can get the Wii fit out.